Step Eight

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Make a list of:

• Everyone from your Step Four whom you have harmed.
• Any other relationship where your conduct has been anything less than ideal.

Include anyone since the last Step Eight and anyone from the last Step Eight to whom you have not already made full amends.

Ask God to guide the consideration.

For each person, take a separate small sheet of paper or index card and write.

Instructions

Write out a brief description of the relationship with the person and the context.

Answer the three questions:

(1) What did I do / say (or fail to do / say)?
(2) What should I have done / said instead?
(3) Who suffered and how?

Look at questions (2) and (3) for each separate answer to (1) or in aggregate, depending on what will make most sense.

In most cases, this is a simple matter. However, in some cases it's hard to get to the answers. If you're struggling for clarity, the notes below may help. I'm sorry they're long: they're designed to cover every possible situation. Scan these notes for questions or ideas that might help with your particular situation.

Regarding (1)

Stick to the facts:
What would a CCTV camera have recorded?
What would a sound recorder have recorded?

• Don't describe internal states ('I resented him')
• Do describe actions ('I scowled at him and refused to answer his questions')
• Don't be vague ('I disrespected him')
• Do be specific ('I told him his taste in clothes was terrible')
• Don't use figurative language ('I led him up the garden path')
• Do use concrete language ('I told him the car had been serviced when it hadn't been')
• Don't describe intention ('I manipulated him into giving me money')
• Do describe facts ('I told him I was broke and asked for money')
• Don't bundle in their response ('I persuaded him to leave his girlfriend') (persuasion involves the other person's compliance)
• Do separate out my contribution ('I counselled him to leave his girlfriend')
• Don't describe consequences ('I ruined his lawn')
• Do describe causes ('I drove my Landrover Discovery over his lawn')

When describing verbal and other interactions, separately examine content, manner, tone, and timing, e.g. 

• It might have been right to express dissatisfaction but not in the tone of voice used.
• It might have been right to terminate the conversation but not without warning the other person you were going to put down the phone before proceeding to do it
• It might have been right to interrupt but not without the courtesy of signalling the interruption and explaining why
• It might have been right to separate from a partner but not by means of a blazing row in a restaurant
• It might have been right to highlight a dereliction of duty but not the moment he came in from a stressful day at work.

In complex interactions, examine each contribution to the interaction separately.

Regarding (2)

Sometimes an action causes harm or upset but was legitimate in the circumstances. For instance, punching an attacker might be the best form of self-defence; examiners are supposed to fail students who do not meet the requirements; going to AA might upset your family, but if you need to do it to stay sober, you're doing the right thing.

We only have to make amends where what we did was wrong.

Regarding (3)

In Step Eight, I look at the different types of harm I cause.

Level one: point of impact

Physical injury
Damage to or theft of property
Monetary loss
Deprivation of time
Interference, intrusion, and nuisance
Unnecessary emotional suffering
Harm to relationships with third parties
Reputational harm

Level two: relationship level

Damage to the relationship: sometimes the incident is minor, but it causes a rupture in the relationship, and it is the rupture that is the harm. That rupture also deepens the sense of separation and perception of others' hostility, coldness, or distance.

Level three: spiritual harm

Standing in the way of someone's development: if I remain enmeshed in an enabling situation that prevents someone from hitting a rock bottom or learning to develop their own resources, I am blocking their development.

I am also doing the same if I fail to offer help that is genuinely needed to develop.

Misdirection: especially in recovery, I can either misdirect when I disturbed or mistaken or, maybe worse, when I set a bad example through my conduct.

Increasing separation: any action which divides rather than joins, including by encouraging separation, hostility, and ill-natured opposition in discussions.