Step Four

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Introduction

Step Four is about finding out where I've been wrong in my:

• Beliefs
• Thinking
• Behaviour

Why? I can change these. If these change, my life changes.

Plus: I find out what I've done wrong, so I can repair the damage.

There are three inventories. We're going to do some writing. If you want to use pen and paper, that's fine. If you are happier typing, that's fine too. If you're typing, adjust the instructions accordingly.

All through this process, follow along with your Big Book. The instructions below help clarify how to follow the Big Book instructions effectively.

Key points:

• Let's get going straight away
• Let's plug away diligently and daily
• We're after facts, not judgements
• We're not finding out who we are
• We're finding out what we believe, think, and do
• A carpenter is not her tools
• If the tools don't work, she can find new tools
• That's what we're doing
• We're perfect children of the universe
• We've been using terrible tools
• Let's find them so we can replace them with better ones

We start by listing things that have upset us through our life.

Instruction 1: Resentment inventory: identify the names

Read pages 63 to 65.

Get a big piece of paper (or open a document on your computer). Make a list of anyone who, when you think of them, bothers you. They might make you angry, upset, frightened, or just uneasy. Just write the names. Nothing else. Start now. Go backwards. Go back to the beginning of your life. GO!

Instruction 2: Whittle down the names

You might have a few hundred names. It might be a dozen or so. Pick maybe the top twenty. That means the people who bother you the most. We do this because, after we have carefully reviewed our relationships with about twenty people, we tend to discover that the underlying causes of the difficulties repeat. We want the full list, though, because we need to know:

• Who to forgive
• Who to make amends to

Instruction 3: Write out the cause

• Take a stack of loose-leaf paper, and at the top of each piece of paper, write one name
• Below, write the charge(s) you have against them
• Cap at five charges per person
• Just a few words will do for each charge
• Be factual
• No speculation
• No interpretation
• What did they say?
• What did they do?

Example of a good second column:

• Clive:
• He scowled at me in the corridor
• He told the boss that I messed up the presentation
• He laughed when I got reprimanded

Example of a bad second column:

• Clive:
• He doesn't like me
• He's got it in for me
• He thinks I'm stupid

Can you see how the version in red is not 'what happened' but how you have interpreted what happened?

Instruction 4: 'This affects my'

Note that this is called the 'third column'. We're writing from top to bottom not left to right, because that layout is easier to manage, but we still call it the 'third column', as that's what everyone calls it.

The reason other people's behaviour bothers me is that it does not match how I want them to behave. Why? Because I have outcomes in mind, and my image is affected. In brief, I have demands, and they're not being met.

These areas of self come under the following headings:

• Behaviour
• Personal relations: This is affected if I don't like how they behave
• Sex relations: This is affected if I don't like how they behave ... in a sexual context
• Outcomes
• Pocketbooks: This is affected if they threaten what I have (my finances)
• Security: This is affected if they threaten what I need
• Ambitions: This is affected if they threaten what I want
• Image
• Pride: This is affected if I'm bothered by how they see me
• Self-esteem: This is affected if I feel ashamed or inadequate in the situation

For each person, write out which areas are affected. Do this below the charges, on the front of each piece of paper. If an area is affected, answer the following questions:

• Behaviour
• Personal relations: How do I want them to behave?
• Sex relations: How do I want them to behave? ... in a sexual context
• Outcomes
• Pocketbooks: What do I have (my finances) that is threatened?
• Security: What do I need that is threatened?
• Ambitions: What do I want that is threatened?
• Image
• Pride: How do I think they see me? How do I want them to see me?
• Self-esteem: How do I actually see myself? How do I want to see myself?

Be concise.

Example:

• Clive:
• He scowled at me in the corridor
• Personal relations: smile at me; be friendly
• Security: I need friends at work
• Pride: he thinks I'm inferior; I want him to see me as an equal
• He told the boss that I messed up the presentation
• Personal relations: don't rat me out
• Pocketbooks: I might lose my job and my income
• Security: I need somewhere to live to be OK
• Self-esteem: I think I'm terrible at my job; I want to be good at my job
• He laughed when I got reprimanded
• Personal relations: don't laugh at me
• Pride: he thinks I'm a fool; I want him to see me as an equal

If it makes more sense, answer the 'affects my' questions across the relationship as a whole rather than charge-by-charge.

Instruction 5: Bridge passage

Read pages 65 to 67.

Once we're done writing out the resentments, the Big Book gives us a solution to resentment.

Key points:

• Other people sometimes behave badly
• But resentment (me resenting them for it):
• Is futile (it achieves nothing)
• It wastes time and energy
• It makes me unhappy
• It provides fuel for drinking
• It traps me in spiritual, mental, and emotional darkness
• It cuts me off from others and my Higher Power
• It's embarrassing: others control how I feel

Question: Am I willing to do whatever it takes to get rid of resentment?

If so, here goes:

• Drop the condemnation of the person or situation
• Switch from seeing what I resent as a personal attack to seeing it as a neutral fact
• Drop the demands identified
• Affirm: it's possible to be OK whatever the circumstances
• If the object of the demand is reasonable (e.g. a peaceful working environment)
• Downgrade to a preference, saying to yourself:
• 'If it's noisy, I can live with that ... nothing is worth losing my serenity over'
• Take reasonable action to secure the object of the demand, e.g.
• Ask the neighbours to turn the music down
• Put in earplugs / put on headphones / don ear defenders
• Deliberately foster empathy for the person: if they're behaving badly, they're simply being ignorant, stupid, illogical, irrational, careless, selfish or malicious, and I have those same defects, too: they're just like me!
• Extend love using the prayers set out on or suggested by page 67
• 'God, please help me show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.'
• 'This is a sick person. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.'
• 'God, please help me avoid retaliation or argument.'
• 'God, please show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of this person.'
• Footnote: not everyone I resent is sick. If they're not sick, omit the phrase 'This is a sick person'.

This is the solution to any form of emotional upset, for the rest of your life.

Instruction 6: Page 67 questions

Introduction

There is more written work to do on our resentment list. There are eight questions to answer, covering the following areas:

(1) Mistakes

(2) Selfishness

(3) Dishonesty

(4) Self-seeking

(5) Fear

(6) Blame

(7) Faults

(8) Wrongs

'Mistakes' are where my beliefs, thinking, and behaviour were wrong. What were my mistakes? What should I have believed, thought, and done instead?

'Selfishness' is where I (illegitimately) put my interests above yours. Where was I selfish?

'Dishonesty' is lying, withholding the truth, distortion, self-delusion, or scheming. Where was I dishonest?

'Self-seeking' is what I am after. What was I after? (Refer to the third column: this contains the full answer; summarise it briefly here.)

'Fear' is where I am troubled because I think I am going to lose something I have got or not get something I want. What was I frightened of?

'Blame' is where my behaviour contributed to a bad situation. Where was I to blame?

'Faults' are defects of character—this forms the basis for Step 7. Pick the top three.

Here is a simple list to pick from. Use a dictionary or ask an AA friend if you do not understand one or more of these.

Arrogance; avarice; contempt; cowardice; cruelty; disobedience; distrust; domination; envy; gluttony; impenitence; indifference; jealousy; lack of discipline; lust; malice; over-ambition; over-sensitiveness; presumption; pride; prudery; pugnacity; retaliation; sentimentality; shame (hurt pride); sloth; snobbery; timidity; vanity; violation of confidence; wastefulness.

'Wrongs' are harms I have done others—this forms the basis for Step 8. What were my wrongs?

Instructions: answering the questions on relationships with people I resent

On the back of each sheet of paper from the resentment inventory, write about each of these eight areas, covering the whole relationship in question, not just the situation that triggered the resentment.

Avoid repetition. Not every question will have an answer. The eight questions overlap in terms of the answers they elicit.

Check it's complete by asking yourself: do my answers cover everything I'm getting wrong in belief, thought, and action (including speech)? If you've missed anything, add it. Then you're done.

Instructions: answering the questions on other areas

Sometimes I have problems in areas where I don't have resentment, e.g.

• Other relationships
• Other categories of people
• Other areas of my life, e.g.
• Money
• Retirement planning
• Looking after my home
• Education
• Work
• Diet
• Exercise
• Sleep
• Hobbies
• Service
• Religion
• Politics
• Community
• Society
• Environment
• Anything else not already covered

Take the page 67 questions and answer them in relation to all of the above.

Instruction 7: Fear inventory

Read page 67 to 68.

Inventory instructions

Read the passage on fear (pages 67–68).

Make a list of fears: start by extracting the fears from the page 67 question on fear, then brainstorm to complete the list.

With each one, find out what is behind the fear to get to the core fear.

E.g. 

If you're scared of losing a job, why? Fear of: poverty, loss of status, failure, loss of identity.

If you're scared of old age, why? Fear of death, loss of identity, physical pain.

If you're scared of losing a relationship, why? Fear of failure, ridicule, loneliness, emotional pain.

Once you've got down to your experience of what you're frightened of, you've found or are pretty close to the core fear (e.g. loneliness, loss of identity, worthlessness, powerlessness, physical pain, emotional pain, the state of fear itself, guilt, shame, freedom, choice).

Try to summarise this with a short list of core fears that explain the rest.

Solution instructions

• With each area of my life
• Ask God to remove the fear
• Ask God for what my role is
• Ask God how I should 'be' (e.g. diligent, useful, kind)
• Ask God what I should do
• Write down the answers
• Whenever fear arises, switch to this solution

Instruction 8: Sex inventory

Read pages 68 to 71.

Make a list of the people you have had sex with, thought about having sex with, or wanted or tried to have sex with, and people who have made romantic or sexual advances towards you, i.e. anyone with whom there is sexual energy of some sort.

If there are a lot (and there might be!), use categories (e.g. 'work colleagues I flirt with', 'people I make passes at', 'one-night stands'), and write about the category of persons rather than repeating yourself.

Here are the questions to ask:

Where had we been  (1)  selfish,  (2)  dishonest, or  (3)  inconsiderate? Whom had we  (4)  hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse  (5)  jealousy,  (6)  suspicion or  (7)  bitterness?  (8)  Where were we at fault,  (9)  what should we have done instead? We got this down on paper and looked at it.

Answer these nine questions for each person or category on the list.

From page 69:

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test—was it selfish or not? We asked God to mould our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Using question (9) above, formulate a sane and sound ideal for your future sex life, from the point of view of what you can give, rather than what you can get. Note the word 'sane': it must be something within reach.

The sex ideal is my ideal beliefs, thinking, and behaviour. It's not about what I want from the other person. If I am the right person, I will attract the right person.