Step Nine

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

You have a list from your Step Eight.

Read pages 76 to 84.

Some people go through their whole Step Eight with their sponsor before they make amends. I don't think this is best, as the process of making amends clears up a lot of doubt.

Take your list, and process it item by item. Pick the easiest first.

What is an easy amend?

• Where the Step Eight material is simple and clear
• You know how to get in touch with the amendee
• You're super willing to make the amend

Discuss the Step Eight with your sponsor and agree a final version.

Working out how to make the amend

Amends vary greatly in content and form, depending on:

• The nature of the harm
• The nature of the relationship
• The spiritual, mental, and emotional state of the amender
• The spiritual, mental, and emotional state of the amendee
• How long ago the harm was
• Whether you're still in contact with the amendee
• What your relationship with them is currently like
• Whether anyone else is involved
• Whether money is involved
• Whether the money is now available
• Whether the act was criminal
• Etc.

It is impossible to legislate to cover every possible situation. Discuss the amend with a sponsor and maybe with others who have a lot of experience of making successful amends. Ultimately, though, it's between you and God, as you're the one who has to live with the consequences, either way.

What follows are general principles, which are often deviated from for good reason.

Making the approach

You can approach someone to offer to make amends:

• When you run into them if you see them very regularly
• By phone
• By email or similar
• By message or similar
• By letter
• Through a third party

In the approach:

• Say you're an alcoholic who is now sober in AA
• Say you'd like to make amends for past harm you have caused to the person
• Ask the person how they would like you make amends:
• In person
• Via a video call
• Over the phone
• In writing electronically
• In writing on paper
• Proceed as they suggest
• Say that you'll send through a written amend in a couple of weeks if you don't hear from them ...
• ... but that they're of course quite at liberty not to read that, and you wish them well anyway.

With minor amends, the amend can be rolled up into the approach: make the amend and the approach in one, brief conversation.

The amend

• Thank the person for giving you the opportunity to make amends
• Explain why you're making the amend (as above)
• Say what you did wrong
• Express regret
• Offer any obvious remedial measures (paying back the money, mending the broken item)
• Ask if there is anything else you can do
• Ask if there is anything else they would like to say
• Listen to what they say
• Do not criticise
• Be tactful, considerate, humble, but firm
• If they ask you to do anything crazy or questionable, thank them for their suggestion and say you'll get back to them
• Later: discuss with a sponsor
• Get back to the person if appropriate
• Thank them for the experience and wish them well

... except when do so would injure them or others

The only way I can injure someone by making amends is:

• To reveal new information
• To implicate or otherwise involve innocent or guilty third parties
• To damage my ability to be useful.

Such situations are rare.

Bringing up a past pain does not injure the other person. If it did, no amend would be possible, because situations requiring amends necessarily involve bringing up past pain. Particularly sensitive situations do require a sensitive approach, however.

I made amends to all the exes I could find and did so considerately and maintaining a formal distance, in order not to interfere with their current lives or resuscitate any romantic interest.

Criminal action

Admitting to criminal action will sometimes trigger a criminal justice process, which is enormously costly to everyone involved. This is injurious. Typically, it also renders the individual less capable of contributing constructively to society. Moreover, it can place the family of the individual in a difficult financial and social position. This is not fair.

Extreme caution is to be exercised when considering revealing criminal action.

As with any other Step Nine matters, the range of situations is infinite, and the solution is not one-size-fits-all.

In most cases of criminal action, amends are possible that actually do far greater good in the domain in question rather than going to prison.

For instance, if you have broken the law by dealing drugs, you will do more good by sponsoring many people in NA in order to help them stay clean than you will by going to prison at the taxpayer's expense. You might also volunteer with some local non-Twelve-Ptep programme (other than NA) for drug addicts (e.g. a housing or welfare project).

Timing

Aim to do a few amends a day until you're done. The process should not take more than a few days or weeks.

Willingness

Suck it up. If you've agreed to live a spiritual life, every relationship must be amended wherever possible. No exceptions. No delay.

Sometimes, however, legitimate misgivings, particularly about the process in a particular case, can present as unwillingness. Identify the reason for the apparent unwillingness and discuss.

Financial amends

Pay every penny back for everything stolen and damaged etc..

If you don't have all the money:

• Work out how much you can set aside monthly
• Approach the legal creditors (people who can sue if you don't pay) and agree a payment plan
• Consider using a debt consolidation service to do so: they're skilled at the process
• Aim for a payment plan that enables you to pay off at least a little to non-legal creditors
• Once you've come to terms with the legal creditors
• Approach the non-legal creditors (usually friends and family) who know you owe them and come to an agreement to give them all a little every month
• Once you've paid off everyone who knows you owe them, start paying off people who do not know you owe them, e.g. making charitable payments as a substitute for various forms of harm done where you cannot identify the person

If you do not know who the person is, cannot find the person, or cannot make amends directly because it would injure them

• Write a letter to them, containing the amend
• Read it out to an AA member with plenty of experience with amends
• Ask God to show you alternative actions to settle the score with the universe
• Consult with others
• Implement the findings

Do amends have to be face-to-face?

Face-to-face amends are ideal.

However, it may be better to put the amend in writing in the following scenarios:

• When the person will not see you.
• When the person will not talk to you on the phone or similar.
• When the person is dead.
• When you have completely lost touch with the person and need to approach them in stages.
• When they are much older, more senior, more important, or more strapped for time.
• When you need to approach the person with particular tact and consideration.
• When the subject matter is particularly sensitive.
• When the harm involved considerable embarrassment or humiliation of the other person.
• When the amend needs to be worded very carefully.
• When there is a lot of material to get out onto the table.
• When there is a risk the other person will misconstrue what is said.
• When there is risk the other person will prevent you from completing an orally delivered amend.
• When there is a risk of the conversation becoming derailed.
• When there is a risk of other matters eclipsing the amend.
• When there is a risk of a romantic or sexual flare-up.
• When the harm consisted in violence, stalking, nuisance, interference, or intrusion.
• When they terminated the relationship in the first place.

Approaches in writing can often open the door to a phone call and / or a face-to-face meeting.

Indeed, a more immediate expression of regret and follow-up should always be offered.

The job is to get the job done in the best way taking into account the other person and approaching them the way we would want to be approached if the tables were turned.

Note that direct amends means directly to the person. It is not synonymous with face to face.

Revisiting the 'can't finds'

I review my list of 'can't finds' every year and try and find them. Even after 27 years of trying, people  I couldn't find are popping up. Once you've performed your annual exercise, put the list away for another year.

Summing up

To complete amends is to take every possible action you can to make amends for all of the harm you have caused.

If you can't find certain people but are willing and have taken alternative steps to make amends indirectly, that's the best you can do.

If you're on a 20-year payment plan, you might not have completed your amends but you can be up to date. For practical and spiritual purposes, that is just as good, as it means you have done everything within your power to make amends. Just make sure you stay up to date.

You are now free. The Step Nine promises (pages 83 to 84) should start to come true.