Sponsorship is the funniest thing. One recurring dynamic is the sponsee trying to shift the relationship in a direction away from its core purpose. What is its core purpose? Steady and pragmatic progress through the Steps (plus maybe the Traditions and the Concepts), and, in the long-term, ad hoc consultation. Every sponsor I've had (and I've had a few) independently used the same phrase, divergent as their personalities are: business is business.
Sponsorship is a business relationship, just without money changing hands. It's an oddly close one, but, then again, your accountant, your proctologist, and your astrologer know an awful lot about you. But that doesn't mean you're chums. You can be friendly and joke around a little, but it's in a context.
I once phoned my sponsor and asked, 'Can we meet, you know, just for coffee?' He leaned into the phone and said, 'You know we're not friends, don't you?'
What types of move do sponsees make?
- Expressing dissatisfaction about the process, the content, or you
- Negotiating the assignments (a whole essay could be written about this)
- Attempting to put the interactions on their terms
- Seeking friendship, intimacy, connections (even in AA), money, attention, validation, a venting outlet, amongst many other things
You have to be careful though, because the attempts can be subtle. I've superficially sought flexibility from a sponsor in order, in reality, to establish my own importance and ability to get my sponsor to change his arrangements and fit them round me. I was only dimly aware of this, but I was not entirely unaware either.
Many years ago, I arranged to meet a sponsee at a Starbucks. He texted at one minute to the meeting time saying could we meet in the café next door, as he needed a snack. Starbucks has snacks. We had a laugh about it later, and he admitted that he didn't like the fact of having to show up at a particular time and place and just wanted things done his way.
The same happens with scheduling phone calls. In the early years of sponsorship, I relented on a number of occasions and started to actually schedule calls, following the insistence of sponsees. Almost invariably, the sponsee would not turn up for the call they had insisted I scheduled. This is why I don't schedule calls.
How do you handle these sponsee moves, as a sponsor?
Stick to your guns, whatever those guns are. Whatever boundaries you're comfortable with as a sponsor, stick to them. If you want to be pally-pally and / or have them move in, that's up to you. I don't advise that, by the way, but, hey, it's your life. Be clear, as kind as possible in the circumstances, restate the boundaries, and recognise that the individual may be running on unconscious algorithms. Only they will know what is actually going on. Boundaries are rarely welcomed, however, so, when deploying a boundary, be prepared to duck.
There's a range of experiences. One person I know has the sponsee come and stay for a week to go through the Steps. Someone else I know won't have sponsees in the house because their other half does not like the 'energy' (I don't know what that is, but fair enough). One person schedules calls and, if the person is late for the call, they don't answer. Another goes into his den for a two-hour slot and answers a dedicated phone. If you don't get through because someone else called, hard luck. There's no answer machine. I did know someone once who had four one-and-a-half-hour phone calls with sponsees every Sunday, but even they admitted they were depressed and burned out by this, so maybe that's a model you might not want to emulate.
Anyway, long story short, come up with a system that works for you and stick to it.
If someone wants something other than an effective, efficient, and harmonious march through the Steps, that's totally fine and totally understandable (hell, I need people other than sponsors in my life, too!), but they'll either have to find a pal, a confidante, a whatever, or a sponsor who either does not have boundaries at all (some really don't) or a sponsor who is more of a hypermarket than a high-end boutique.
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