Sometimes it takes a few goes to understand how to answer a question. People will need to spend several days, work through a bunch of examples, talk them through with someone else, and correct them.
But muddleheadedness, unfamiliarity with self-examination, and other natural impediments are not the only reason why a person apparently cannot follow the instructions.
What form does this 'failure' take?
Sometimes, no answer comes at all, when a question is asked. More often, the answer that comes is an answer to another question, or is simply a connected but irrelevant point. Sometimes the answer is entirely unrelated, at least in reality.
Sometimes, in an examination of resentment, where we're seeking to uncover the demands and expectations underlying the resentment, answers go in circles without approaching the source. For instance:
I'm resentful at the boss.
Cause: He criticised me.
Personal relations: I want him to approve of me.
(So far so good. But this is where it starts to go in circles.)
Ambitions: I want to be approved of.
Security: To be OK, I need approval.
Pride: I want him to approve of me.
(See?)
For reference, the real answers (which will vary from person to person) might look like this:
Security: Job (fear) [he might sack me].
Pocketbooks: Loss of income.
Ambitions: To be the best salesman on the team.
Pride: I want him to see me as competent and superior. He sees me as stupid and inept.
Self-esteem: I want to see myself as effortlessly successful. I see myself as a hard-working failure.
(See?)
Sometimes, the answer comes in the form of vague, figurative, pathetic, jargon-y, or poetic language. It is entirely unclear what is actually meant.
Examples of these:
- Personal relations: I want him to respect me
- Personal relations: I want him to honour my feelings
- Ambitions: I don't want to be trapped inside the construct
- Security: To be OK, I need my inner child to be treated gently
- Security: To be OK, I need there not to be an atmosphere
Of course, these answers won't do at all.
(Examples of what the real answers might be:
- Personal relations: Obey my instructions!
- Personal relations: Apologise to me!
- Ambitions: Change career. Not feel guilty about it.
- Personal relations: Don't criticise me!
- Ambitions: Polite and cheerful colleagues)
So, what is going on here?
People do need a fair amount of help with this. Fine. It's a new exercise, it can be difficult if one has never been enjoined to be genuinely honest, and by definition we're examining thorny material. So give people a break.
There is an cut-off point, however. Especially if someone is smart, capable, diligent, and at least ostensibly sincere, if they're not getting it, it's not because you're not explaining it, and it's not because they're not 'trying'.
Why isn't it working?
Ego.
It's defending itself.
It does anything to avoid the truth. Wordiness. Terseness. Evasion. Diversion. Babbling. Floweriness. Every tactic used by the ego in actual discourse with another person gets deployed (probably unconsciously) to stop the person looking at the truth squarely in the eye.
There have been periods in my recovery where I beat around the bush for months, talking talking talking, but not getting anywhere. When I was really willing to face the unacceptable truth, the dam broke, truth gushed forth, and the whole thing was over in minutes.
What's the lesson?
If it's not working, it's not working. The sponsor can't fix it. Let it go. The desire must come from within. The person can't even fix it as an act of the will. They'll just have to become willing, somehow, and the sponsor can't make them. Sometimes it's a litre of vodka or a nervous breakdown that does it.
Summary: Give people plenty of time, but if you hit a brick wall, pause and reconvene. If, after reconvening a few days later, the problem is still there, they'll have to try another approach or get right with their Higher Power. Continuing when it's not working does not serve them (or you).
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